Advice from VanessaK

Back in November, when I started my Cosmo blog, I noticed that a reader with the profile name “VanessaK” often posted unique comments on my posts like, “What are your parents going to do when they read tomorrow’s blog? Maybe you should write it in Jive or something so they don’t understand” or “Don’t make a business card, make a calling card with just your name and number. Print it in mauve in a fancy cursive print.”I later found out that VanessaK is in fact my zany uncle who lives in Israel and once tried to make a living as an owner of an erotic art gallery in Tel Aviv. I don’t think he does anything for a living now besides make large sculputres of naked women to put on the roof of his home. I therefore thought he could continue his work on VanessaK. Here, Vanessa answers her some pressing questions:

Dear VanessaK,

Why won’t my boyfriend go down on me?

This question could arise in several different situations, and each situation requires its own response.

First: You are asking this because you have performed oral sex on him, even though it was revolting and he had a foul smell about him, and you are expecting him to reciprocate. Well, in this case the reason is obvious. Though, perhaps, you performed oral sex on him, and found it a stimulating, enjoyable, yes, even rewarding experience. In which case, the lack of reciprocation comes as a disappointment, but, well, it wasn’t all a waste, was it?

Second, which is a variant of the first: He finds the performance of oral sex distasteful, and avoids it unless absolutely forced into it. In this case, you have three options - first, force him into it. Say, it’s the tongue or the boot, chump. Take your chances. Second, cajole. Plead. Wheedle. Cry. Third, accept. The first two options, of course, require you to make your wishes explicit, something not always easy to do, but sometimes absolutely necessary. Which brings me to the third possible situation, which is…

Third: he has never done this, is perhaps unsure how, or is unaware that this is what you desire; or is so enthralled by your attentions that he has completely lost his ability to reciprocate. In this case, again, it is necessary for you to make your wishes clear, and perhaps to help him overcome any hesitation or embarrassment he may have.

In summation: People, both men and women, have different tastes in personal relations of the intimate kind. Some people do not enjoy performing oral sex, and there are even some people who do not enjoy having oral sex performed on them. If this issue is really pressing, if it is something that is formative of your entire relationship with your partner, you must lay it on the table with frankness and openness: George, I really want you to lick my cunt.

Dear VanessaK,

I don’t feel very sexy when I go out to bars or clubs. Can you give me some tips on how to be super sexy?

Dear Not-so-sexy-Sally,

I was going to suggest that you might visit the club in the nude, but thought better of it. You see, I used to attend a summer retreat where attendees would occasionally go skinny dipping in a nearby pond. I found, to my chagrin, that almost everyone is more attractive in clothes than out.

Truth be told, I am not one who frequents bars and clubs, and when I do go, it is not with the objective of feeling sexy. Rather, it is to enjoy the atmosphere, the food and drink, perhaps to enjoy a performance being given, or perhaps to meet someone who shares common interests - one of which, of course, might be an enjoyable night in the sack. In this case, my attention is turned not to my own sexiness, but to the sexiness of others. And when I find a person who I feel deserves my attention, I make clear to him, either explicitly or with subtle gestures and innuendos, that I find him a hunk.

Which, perhaps, is a key to being sexy. Men are much vainer than women, and the flattery of your attention to his sexual charms will most likely devolve upon your own self.

Regards,

VK