Stephen Colbert is my ideal man. I’ve dreamt of the moment we meet, the sparks fly, and we run off into a rainbow-painted sky on our unicorns. Last night, I couldn’t sleep, and spent a few hours randomly clicking through old Colbert Report clips, and began thinking, how could I make my dream a reality, and meet the man of my dreams (or at least capture his attention)? Here’s what I came up with after my research:
1. Name things after him. Some ideas: school mascots, towns, prize-winning animals, memorials, children, or sex positions. Better yet, get Sierra Mist to endorse your Stephen Colbert product (or mammal).
2. Become a senator who is either incredibly boring, or who has superhuman legwrestling strength.
3. Challenge him to a dance-off, rap-off, or any off-off.
4. Be Jeff Goldblum
5. Write a book on one of the following topics: the Internet, sex with robots, Darwin, the demise of humanity, or how boobs evolved from fish teeth.
6. Work your way into a wacky news item. This is considerably easier for teens, gays, mormons, and Bristol Palin.
7. Break serious news on Twitter. And by serious news, I mean fake celebrity deaths and the like.
8. Send him a gift that he can’t ignore like a giant chocolate sculpture in the shape of his face, a bar of gold, an Emmy, or a Jane Fonda-Gloria Steinem threesome.
9. Become an expert on a relevant topic like global warming, food contamination, steroids, offshore drilling, or teenage sex. Or just fake the credentials with photoshop and a made up university located in an obscure country like Liechtenstein.
10. Ignore him. Or fake ignorance.
